The Day Cancer Invaded My Family

When I read Eugene's post about his encounter meeting an old friend and his wife that is currently battling with cancer, I remembered the days where me and my family encountered the same thing once.

He used to be a strong man. Loves being outdoors, keen on hunting and fishing whenever he got the time. A man that once carried me on his shoulders when I was a little kid. A man that I looked up to. He might not be perfect in some ways, but for me - he is a great guy. He is my dad. He's my Pop, as what me and my siblings called him.

He fixed broken toys, broken items at home, good in cooking and always had funny stories or imaginations to tell. He enjoys watching cartoons as much as we did and loves music, plays guitar very well and could sing too. Bee Gees and ABBA, he said, is the group that has the best music of all times.

Then one day, something funny happened. A series of frequent migraines that sometimes made him unable to get up and went late to work, went to high fevers and headaches at happened nightly. Then he began to become forgetful. Yet, he still insist that he would be fine. After all, being in the medical background for so long, when he said it's okay, means it's okay, right? Perhaps he is busy. Perhaps he got lots of things to do, that's why he forgets stuff, right? Until now, there are lots of questions that still lingers in my mind, but the answers to it was no longer matters to me now...

Before we knew it, one day he woke up, speaking gibberish, and said he cannot see anything. His memories, as if being deleted from his mind just in an instant. He no longer remembers things that happened in the present. Though there are certain things that he still remembers, like us, but he often speaks and mentions about people during his youth, and only remembers things that happened back then. I was scared. Helpless.

He was warded immediately. He was restless, unable to sleep and keep on talking nor was wide awake all the time. He didn't ate much. CT Scan shows that there is a growth in his brain. Doctors advised us to send him to the general hospital in KL for further checkup. 3 days before Chinese New Year, me and my mother arrived KL with him.

Waiting can be so painful. In KL, he was warded in the neurology ward, but still needed time to wait for his turn for biopsy as such. We never stop praying, hoping that things will be okay. Seeing some of the fellow Sabahans that also sent their family members there for same reasons, or other cancerous illness and return home safely brings us hope that the same thing will happen to us as well. After almost a month in the ward, he was operated to take a sample of the growth in his brain for biopsy.

But that's not going to happen. After the results came out, my father was confirmed with brain cancer. To add salt to the injury, there is no longer can be done. Doctors said he won't last more than a year. Our world is crushed. My world is crushed. I am going to lose my father? How should I cope? How do we cope with it?

After almost 3 months in KL, my dad returned back to Sabah with my mom with the devastating news. He was temporarily warded in the Palliative Care Unit in Queen Elizabeth Hospital and then was bring back to our home, where he was cared for. I hardly recognized him. He can no longer walk, wash nor feed himself. Let alone to see. My heart is crushed to see a man who once so strong, so funny can no longer do the things he used to do.

I still remember the nights where my mother and my siblings would gathered up and pray the rosary every night by his bedside. Deep inside, I do wish a miracle can happen. I wish a miracle will happen. But it didn't.

One day, he fell into a coma, and once again he was sent to the Palliative Care Unit in the district hospital where my mom worked. Me and my brother rushed home from KK to see him. The day we arrived, we spent the night sleeping in the ward with him. The next day, I went home to clean myself and waiting for my mom to pick me up to the hospital in the evening. That late evening, we received the call. He was gone.

It was 13th August 2001.

I had mixed emotions during his funeral. Sad to lose him, angry that miracles didn't happened, yet relieved that he was no longer in pain. Along the way to the church for his funeral mass, my mind rewind back all those memories I shared with him. The happy memories that I had when I was a kid. His old guitar no longer strum beautiful melodies that filled the house. No more of his laughter in the living room when we watch our favorite cartoons together.

Years has passed since he was gone. Am I still grieving? Yes, I still had this emptiness in my heart. A hollow that will never be filled. I still grieve for his loss in my heart. You might tell me to move on. When you experience the same way as I do when lost a parent then you would understand. I sensed his absence greatly whenever there is a family occasion or celebrations. I miss to see him in his usual place. I still and will always do. My family had moved on now. Though we never talked about it, I am sure that they still hold him close in their hearts as much as I do.

During my brother Aaron's recent wedding thanksgiving lunch in Beaufort last October, I heard more than once where our relatives and guests told me, "Your father is a great man." I couldn't agree more.

Maybe he is not perfect in some way, but seeing all through the years when there are people still remembers him after he has been long gone shows that he had touches the lives of the people who sensed his absence as much as I did.

He might be gone, and lost his battle over cancer. But he has left us a great gift - he made us - my mom, me and my siblings got closer together through our nightly prayers beside his sickbed, laughter still fills the house whenever all of us siblings were together way back to the old days when he was still around. He never left us, really. He still lives close in our hearts.

I miss you, Pop. RIP.

(In Loving Memory of John Michael Sunam, 20/10/1956 - 13/08/2001)