Stop the 'frenemies' in your life!

Four steps to uncover and defend against a ‘frenemy’ (an enemy disguised as a friend)

By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. Special to Yahoo! Personals

In the “Sex and the City” movie, Miranda functions as a friend-turned-frenemy and helps derail her friend’s dream wedding. At a strategic point in the upcoming nuptials, she verbally puts down the idea of marriage to the commitment-phobic groom! In this one act, Miranda puts a nail in the coffin of her best friend’s dream. In case you haven’t seen the movie, I won’t reveal how things do turn out, but there are lessons learned from this scene.

First of all, finding love is a challenge; and unfortunately, friends and family members can sometimes make it even tougher. When people in your inner circle become negative, pessimistic, competitive, jealous, or don’t show you appreciation and/or encouragement, it inflames your own doubts and fears. If you’re in a new romantic relationship, these reactions can come on suddenly; they may be familiar and ingrained parts of lifetime relationships that are so subtle, you may not even be fully aware of them. In either case, unsupportive reactions toward your date and you can pull you both back into being hopeless about love. In extreme cases, they can sabotage a growing relationship, as Miranda did in the “Sex and the City” movie!

A friend who feeds you negativity isn’t a friend, but a frenemy. A frenemy may be chipping away your dating potential without you even being aware of it. Ask yourself, do any of these incidents sound familiar?

• A “best friend” takes an instant dislike to a date you really like
• A friend insists that all the “good ones” are taken
• A sister/brother reminds you of your past failures or the duds you’ve fallen for
• Dad criticizes any date you bring around
• Mom clucks about how men/women would find you more attractive if you only lost those 10 pounds
• Your two closest friends flake on the first dinner party you’re hosting with your date

These are typical behaviors of friends-turned-frenemies. Here are four steps to use to handle frenemies and protect your love life:

Step 1: Uncover frenemies

Who do you spend the most time with socially? Regarding the people close to you, answer the following questions:

• Are they single? Are they in a relationship? If so, do they generally describe it as loving or not?
• Do you feel good hanging around them? How do you feel right after being with them?
• Are they supportive of your self-esteem and attractiveness?
• What are their attitudes towards love or relationships in general?
• How do they react when you’re in a relationship?

Step 2: Stop your whining

Often you are unconsciously encouraging your frenemies to be negative by complaining to them about what is wrong with your love life. For three days, take a notebook and make a note of every time you complain to anyone. For the next three days complain to no one. Write about how this feels.

Step 3: Make a list of what you need from frenemies

For example, you may need your best friend to stop complaining about how awful men/women are. You may need your dad/mom to tell you what he/she really likes about your new date.

Step 4: Ask your frenemies to give you the support you need

Be straight and honest. Tell them you want to have a positive outlook about love and you need them to be positive too. Most will respond. With the few frenemies who resist and continue being negative, move to a more distant, yet polite, relationship with them. You have to protect yourself and your own hopeful outlook on love.

Anyone can make a mistake and can turn frenemy on you. But if this does happen, follow these steps, and you will find that you can turn things back around so that you have a truly supportive posse.