How To Forget

Christy sent me this article written in 2000 by an author name Sam Mok to me via email this morning. I had read and re-read it again, found that somehow, it encourages me in a way. So I posted here to share it to you all, hope it helps you as well. Thank you Christy, for always be there for me, though you are across the sea apart from me, but you made it seems like you are just an arm away. Love you girl.

How To Forget

During the first year of my undergrad I took a course on introduction to psychology. The class was so big that it was conducted in a theatre with about 500 seats. I was sitting at the back of it when the lecturer at the end of a lesson gave us a piece of homework. By way of a projector he wrote a number big on the silvery screen behind the rostrum. "My class, here is a number. You have seen it now. What you are going to do is try every means of yours of to forget - forget - this number before you attend this class again next week. So long." I took this challenge seriously. The first thing I thought of is to get my head confuse it with its adjacent number. I picture the dummy number before my eyes, imagining this number was the one put up by the lecturer. But it did not work well, as I was too conscious of my plan, so I adjusted the tactic slightly, to flash the two numbers alternately before my eyes ... 108, 109, 108, 109, 108, 109 ... I never told my classmates my method, nor had I asked theirs. Perhaps I should. The ability to forget is as important as, and more difficult than, the ability to remember; in the same way as we learn subtraction only after we have learnt addition in arithmetic.

After ten years, a similar task is thrust upon me. It was last month, I wished to forget a person. There can be a host of reasons why we would wish to drove a person into oblivion: anguish, hatred, pride, revenge, resignation, or a thirst for new life. In my case I think I am not the fittest to judge what my motives are. In two or three years things which now cloud my eyes like choking smoke in the corridor on fire will be dispelled by wisdom, or something close to it, i.e. self-knowledge, which, or at least the necessity to feign having it, often grows with our age.


A clever scheme I have devised and I did believe it was an ingenious thing absolutely backed by sound psychology. Step one: find a song which describes your mental state perfectly, which really touches your heart and pricks the wound every time you listen to it. This is no difficult step, considering the abundance of love songs in the pop music market. Step two: make the song played repeatedly back to back every morning, every night, in other words every time you think of the person and do allow and force yourself to think of him or her more, more, more and more until saturation - you had better ensure that your stereo has an auto-repeat function for the best therapic effect. Then step three: after 100 or 200 plays, which work as rubbing your wound against a file 100 or 200 strokes, when you cease to sense any pain from that part of you, out of weariness or damage of sensory cells, you can stop the song and lock up the record until the end of your days. My theory was, according to the theory of association, your memory has been associated with the song so much so that your ability to recall this moment and revive your memory is dependent upon you hearing this song.

As you can deduce, it is necessary to choose a not-too-popular song for the whole therapy - or you risk sudden unwelcome off-guard encounters with your old problem sometime somewhere in a bar, a shop, an airport or at a party - and it will be perfect if the melody of the song is not easy to memorise.

Did it work? As there is no way to find out what would have happened if I had not tried, just like we would never know whether we would be happier had we not loved this or that person, the choice is absolutely yours whether it is worth your while. It suffices to add that, I think, that I will do the same if I am to forget a person again.

I can no longer recall whether the number at the psychology class was 108 or 109. It is more a result of the passage of time than the success of my scheme: as I recall that I still could tell the number four or five years after that class. Time has helped me to confuse 108 and 109, but it's the nature's joke on me that I have to remember these two numbers for many more years or may be all my life just because I wanted to forget one of them. I would not be silly enough to say it's my victory over memory, rather I should be humble to confess it's memory's triumph over me in a crooked sense. So I shoved a burglar out the kitchen's window by open-arm welcoming him and his accomplice at the front door.

My last salvation is in Proust. Sometimes I ask myself, as I will never be able to remember and mourn the departure of love as beautifully as Proust has done in those hundreds of pages of sublime highness, is it an act of profanation for me to indulge in mine?



Sam Mok

moksheungming@yahoo.com

2000.1.12

Where is AngeLBeaR?

I was just packing my bag and stuffed my dirty clothes into the laundry bag to call it a day at the paintball field when Leanna sent me an SMS "Are you in JB?". I was surprised because it was just 2 days ago I called her to check how's her trip to KL had been and I don't remember mentioning that I am going to JB, or I am in JB or any other places. In other words, I am still alive, walking on the streets of KK, living and breathing well. (Wah...how did that story popped out anyway? They seem to be more informative than my own family!)

I immediately called her and asked why such statement came out, for I don't remember I had to go to JB at this near time for nothing, and I just came back from KL for a course a week ago.

So please, people...who ever you are..most of you knew that I went through bad times now. I am still coping with it. But telling the world about my whereabouts with false statements is just not to my liking. For you all to know, I am still in KK. Just last night I was in Upperstar with some friends so...unless you got proof that you saw my 'twin' in JB or you were talking to me in JB, or you heard I told you that I am in JB, DO NOT make any speculations.

I hope you all respect my privacy. After all, even if I am in Rome now, what does it concerns with you? If I had to kill myself because of these bad things that happened to me, I wouldn't want to trouble myself for flying a long way just to end those misery. I understand that some of you cares a lot. But honestly, giving me too much 'care' by telling these false statements to others is kinda annoying. It irrates me. Just let me be, please.

So...to you all out there who are wondering why I went hiatus from the chatrooms or it seems that I am kind of lay back from internet for a while, I am still in KK. I am still living and moving on. I had a life to live, things to do also lah. You think I got nothing to do meh? Next time, do not spread false statements about me, please. Plus, I am not obliged to post my whereabouts everytime I had to go missing from my blog, YM or MIRC.

I don't wish for such publicity. Therefore, will appreciate for those who loves to spread stories without checking out for the truth behind the statements, please stop.

The Break Up.

All good things must come to an end.
I know this is hard, but I had to end something that should be ended long time ago. God knows how hard it is, but for my own good and the good for both parties, I think this end is the best way to do.

No one wants a break up. No one wishes for one especially when that someone is dear to you. But you had to do what you got to do when the time comes. To love is risking your heart to get broken, I placed my bets, I gambled and I lose. So what's the loser had to do? Walk away, with little dignity they had left. That's exactly what I did.

No use of begging, waiting for someone that you knew will never return to you. It hurts but I believe that God will never give me something more than I can carry on my own. I will be okay. I been through worst than this, so I will get thru this one better than what I had done yesterday.

I forgave, I had let go and unbind myself and I moved on. Every once in a while I might turn around and looked at the great times we been through, the happiest moments that he has given to me, and each time I did, it will make me smile and thank God for all the great moments.

I had cried enough last night. I cried my heart out. I cried non stop for almost 3 hours in front of a friend who offers me tissues, just sit there, saying nothing but listening. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for friends who called me to encourage me. I am thankful for everyone that supported me.

I know this isn't easy, but I will get through this.
I will be okay.

To whoever you are, if you reading this...I never hate you. Thank you for everything, I wish you well, and God Bless You.

It's finally over.

" There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."

God's promises.

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;
and there shall be no more death,
neither sorrow, nor crying,
neither shall there be any more pain:
for the former things are passed away.
--- Revelation 21:4

PTI kids begging on the streets!

Sorry, pic quality not clear...am using my sister's handphone to take the pic. Please click on it to get a better view..thanks.

I bet most of you knew where this is. It's located near the Bank Negara & Post Office in Kota Kinabalu. Notice that there are some kids approaching the 2 guys. Those are street kids, illegal immigrants that roaming free on our streets, begging. It's nothing new, in fact we are sick of it, we are tired to see these scenarios happening everyday.

It really disturbs me, to see these kids even went to an extend pulling the clothes or sleeves of passerbys begging for money. Is this what the tourists expects to see in our city? Imagine this when they took the photos of these street kids and show the photos to their friends in their countries, narrating "This is Kota Kinabalu, I can't believe that the place was such a poor one that they even have street kids roaming around begging for money." They might thought these kids were locals!

Geez. =.=

Updates after my birthday.

I know my blog posts has been declining. Hahaha...Unlike the previous months before, it's always full of things that I wanted to express, share here with you all. In fact, I had a lot, but I just don't have the idea how to put into words. In the end, it will be just an idea without anything to publish. Take it easy ya...even Stephen King has the days where he needed inspiration to write (apa lagi sa...). Too much ideas sometimes might makes you people tired of my post...don't you think so? So I am trying to keep my post on not so regular basis these days...but I am trying to make it interesting..I hope.

Oklaaaaaaaa....I will try to bug your blogrolls updated with my posts... =p

What do I up to these days? Owh yeah, reflecting back on my birthday that has just passed by, I cannot thank you enough for the nice birthday greetings (where got bad ones kan?) I got via email, SMS, phone call, Facebook, Tagged, MIRC, YM, Blog (yes, TwoFiveSix gave me a special dedication!)...thank you thank you thank you...I think this is the time where I said lots of 'thank you's'...hehehehe~~ thank you Russel for the specially made mango-yogurt flavoured cake that doesn't have a name (you should name it AngeLBeaR or DingoBee cake hihihihi). Thank you Leanna for the cream coloured dress, thank you for the Sushi King, thank you for bringing me for retail teraphy...muahahahaha....

May God Bless You all and what do you know...it's another post updated! =p

The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

Retail Therapy - Guess the price???

Leanna dropped by today and supposedly sending my early birthday present today. As usual, the "I will stop by and drop your item..." become "Let's go out and have something to eat.." that ends up with small goodies here and there. I am not really a big time shopaholic, but when I met my match, that usually ends with something else. Hehehe...what can we say, retail therapy works! Here's a game for you all...Guess how much the items that I bought and got below cost?

Took this pic to show off to Kay...hahahahaa...no worry, I bought one also for you bah~

Leanna's birthday gift to me, she said it took her whole night to pack it! =)

Beaded shoes and handbag, guess how much?

The dress that Leanna gave me as my birthday present. When she told me the price, I almost dropped my jaw...how much you think it cost?

The neck part that I love most..with glittery sequins.

The back part of the dress...I tested it you guys will see me in it, soon!

Lastly, the brown dress that also has beads at the bottom of it. Can't see really clearly here...but take a wild guess how much it cost?

Owh Men!!!

Last night I logged into the chatroom to kill some time. Then this guy private messaged me and gave me his new handphone number. That's fine. Then suddenly he typed, "Can you call me?" I was like..."huh?" I asked him, "For what?" He replied, "Nothing, I just want to hear your voice, that's all." I was like, "Duh~~~~" =.=

Funny though, that this is the same guy that I had been 'rejecting' (in a way) for so long. When I told him before that I am already seeing someone else, the next day after he would then again, send me a private message giving all those sloppy, lame, words that makes my skin crawl...or in chinese/cantonese we call it "yuk ma" words...sheesh.

Now, I don't go for those same old lines. For me, it's sickening and it's very super duper lame.

I don't appreciate it when some unknown stranger sent me a message after viewing my profile for just merely 5 minutes then starts sending me those messages such as "Hi Dear, I saw your profile and I can't breathe. You are so beautiful, you are pretty..bla..bla..bla...I can't stop thinking about you. Can I contact you? Can you be my girl?" that kind of thing.

The thing is, what's wrong with men these days? They always after a lady with such bad opening line. A BIG TURN OFF, enough to make us dash for a 100m race! Now, back to the guy who asked me to call him...I won't call him, I would never call him. Want to know why? He can't even afford to call me and expecting me to call him...what's next? I'm paying for his meal when I happened to see him?

I might sound a little vain here...but here's the logic. Ladies nowadays are smart. They are independent. We don't ask the guys to bring us to expensive restaurants or shopping. We had a job, we spent on our own. So why we had to spent it on YOU? Yes, from all these so called small things we saw, even you expecting us to pay our bills or top up our credits for spending it to call you, how can we expect you will be paying for your own meals when you see us?

Scene 1

I had been waiting for the guy to appear for more than 1 hour. That time handphone is still consider a luxury and I was still a student on practical so can't afford one. He arrived almost 2 hours late, without apologizing and then blurted out, "I am so hungry. Come let's go eat. You belanja ok!" =/ I thought was just kidding. Well, true enough, at the KFC ounter there he turned to me and said, "You pay." Okay, consider it as my bad luck. It's just a snack plate, anyway (NOT!).

Thought he would leave afterwards but he insisted on followed me to shop for a dress to my cousin's wedding. I found myself a nice black velvet halter neck dress and was testing it looking at myself at the mirror outside the fitting room. He suddenly appear at my back and said out loud, "Wow, I love to see your neck. It makes me feel like I wanted to bite it!" I immediately get changed, dashed out from the boutique, went out from the mall and looking for a cab. That's the first and the last he went out with me. He did tried to call few times asking me out, didn't bother to ask for apologies and was puzzled why I refuse to talk to him on the phone or see him.

Scene 2

I was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding. As everyone is enjoying the food, dancing and drinking merrily to celebrate the happy occasion from day until night time, I sat at the corner quietly enjoying some wedding cake for the 5th time out of exhaustion, boredom and cold (she lives at the Bundu Tuhan, near the Kinabalu National Park). This guy came and the first question he asked is "Where is your boyfriend?" I looked up at this stranger and was like "Huh?" and I replied "I'm came alone." That guy insist on trying to get some chance to have a physical contact, like pretending to 'accidentaly' touch my hand as such. The next day, saw him puking for he has been drinking non stop since the wedding day.

No, I didn't say Malaysian guys are bad. But the thing is, there are so many that represents the gender from the example above. I met nice ones as well, those who knew how to said the right words to a lady, those who respect ladies and those who knew the equality of gender between ladies. The sad thing is, there are way too many guys nowadays who financially dependent on ladies, there are guys who treat ladies like a piece of trash. There are men who thought that a lady must be put in her position that she didn't deserve to be treated as equal.

Whenever a lady who is still single even as her age gets older, lots of people said "You are being too choosy." Yet, in this world nowadays, who wouldn't want to be choosy? We got a reason to be one!

Oklah, before I get some guys dashed at me and said that I am being bias to my own gender (something I haven't done for a long time), I better stop here. Remember guys...

1 - We don't simply call a guy for no reason. Asking us to call you and pestering us to do it when we are not interested a bit makes us despise at you more.
2 - You can pay for your own meal for all that we care. Just as long as you didn't bug us.
3 - Never, ever had a physical contact with us without consent. We hate it.
4 - We love men with a good sense of humor, but not trying to be so called Saiful Apek, Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey wannabe's.
5 - Don't call us babe/dear/sayang/lover/my love when you just barely knew us. It makes us sick.
6- Ladies...you add the list... =p

Have a nice day!

I Wish I Can Have This...

Leanna shared me this photo. I really wish I can have it and put as many 100 Plus in it so that I can bring it to the field at anytime!

Oi, Talk lah!!!

I was busily catching up my whole day pending work when my handphone rang. One, two seconds then it stopped. I looked at it and saw a missed call. I dialed the number and waited. No one answered. Okay, perhaps it was some wrong number or something.

Then, my handphone rang again, then it stopped. It was from the same number. Again, I redialled the same number. No answer. I sent and SMS said, "Yes? How may I help you?". No reply.

The same caller did the same for another couple of times when I got fed up and sent another SMS "Look here you stupid idiot, I would make an exceptional if you are still SAKAI about this handphone thingy or you are a complete retard. If you are neither one, please stop this at the instant!". Then it stopped since then.

This is part of the thing that I hated with owning a handphone. Some unknown or even worse, known caller would simply give you a miss call more than once then when you think it was an important call (especially you are running a business) you graciously returned that called only to hear "This is the voicemail...bla bla bla" How annoying is that?

If you happen to read this and enjoying to do so, please lah, we are civilised already so please act civilised. Do not show that 'sakai-ness' or that 'retarded' part to show your stupidity. When you already called or I return that call, talk lah!!!