Ruins...

Elizabeth Gilbert once wrote, "Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

So how many ruins we had in our lives before we actually transforming ourselves for something better?
 I no longer can recall how many times I had fallen down so hard, trying to get back up again without having the urge to give up, let go and just...stop living.

Those painful moments where my world just crumbled down, leaving me nothing my just barely bits and pieces of what I had left, and building another same foundation again to believe, to have faith once again that things, that life is gonna be okay.

The moments where sometimes I am getting my hands full...one hand clinging to the people who wanted to get back up again, yet at the same time, another hand was clinging tightly to anything that I can hang on, so that I won't fall.  Yet there are times where I feel like as if I was standing at the edge of a cliff, waiting, watching my back so no one can push me down.  Yet, so many times, they did.

As my own world crumbled apart, with no one to help me picking up the pieces; when everyone I knew avoiding me like plague - I am amused at myself that I still can get up, walked and yes, very much alive..to the very surprise of those who love to see me fall.

Sometimes I felt like I was forced to keep my life transparent - that I been watched every step I took, every single word I uttered, the people who wanted to know why I was laughing and finding a way to stop me from laughing, to wipe that smile from my face; the very same people who wanted to know the cause of my tears so there will be more tears to be squeeze out from me.  I can't talk to someone without anyone asking me the reason why, what we are talking about.  I can't be seen with anyone as if it was always a shame for anyone to be with me. 

I no longer bother to ask why no one was there for me when I needed them.  because it doesn't matter anymore.
I stopped waiting for someone to be there when my world is falling apart.
I no longer wishes for a hug, for someone to be there to listen, to share my bad times because no one will be there but me anyway. 

When is the last time someone came to me and tell me that everything is going to be okay? I can't even remember.

In a way...Elizabeth Gilbert is right.  Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation.  For each time what I had, what I longed for is lost...it turns me into someone that knew how it was when someone else was having the hardest time of their lives. 

But that doesn't mean that I will allow myself to be used, ruined once again. 
A new transformation has begun.